Comfort, Intimacy And The "Love Roadmap"

Throughout a romance, the woman must feel safe and comfortable with you, both verbally and physically. Many men get wrapped up in the physical half. They ask themselves, “How do I make it so that she’ll let me touch her?” or “How can I get her to want to touch me?” but touching and being touched isn’t the whole picture.

As you become intimate with a woman, the level of comfort slowly escalates. And because it’s a delicate, vulnerable new territory, trust and respect are paramount.

Trust is gained by taking small steps that build on one another. To be comfortable around someone you need to trust them in some way, and so your goal is to continuously build trust. As trust builds, so does comfort.

The comfort building process starts at the beginning of the interaction. She evaluates, “Can I trust this stranger and do I want to continue talking to him?”

One sign that interaction is going well is when she begins to take the next step and push things forward to the next level. Take special note when she does something verbal or physical that shows you your levels of intimacy are escalating. Maybe she leans into you while talking, presses her knee up against yours while you sit together, holds onto your arm when you’re standing together – any of these are signs that she’s more trusting and more comfortable with you than earlier in the interaction. Be confident that things are going well.

IMPORTANT: If you try to rush things, you’ll make her uncomfortable, and lose her trust. Have patience, because guys who are impatient look horny and desperate.

That said, even if she isn’t making advances, she still might be interested. Everyone is different and will show romantic interest in different ways. As you continue your practice, you will find that some women will be more aggressive, and others will be passive. It’s up to you to see what’s going on by developing a well-calibrated social awareness.

You can check her comfort levels with slowly escalating techniques. Initially, they are minor and insignificant things, each becoming increasingly substantial and involved as trust and comfort is built. With any comfort escalation technique, you’re looking for one of three outcomes:

1. Will she do more for me than she would before?
2. Will she want me to do more with her than before?
3. Am I making her uncomfortable? If so, stop what you’re doing and take a step back romantically. If you persist in making her uncomfortable, you’ll likely lose her trust and the possibility of a romantic connection.

Here are some examples of verbal comfort escalation checks:

“Do you like Thai Food? I can’t hang out with people who aren’t adventurous with food and don’t try new things in life.”

Did she change her opinion or makes an excuse to win you over?

If yes, great, you’re doing well.

If no, keep working on building attraction.

“Can you hold my drink for a second? Thanks, you’re awesome and conveniently located.“

Did she hold your drink for you?

If yes, great, you’re doing well.

If no, you need to build more comfort and attraction.

“This place is supposed to have an amazing rooftop. Come upstairs with me, you can stretch your legs and keep me safe from drunken cougars on the prowl.”

Did she come up to the rooftop?

If yes, great, you’re doing very well.

If no, you need to build more comfort.

Now let’s take a look at a few techniques that check her comfort levels in a physical way:

 As you laugh together, you briefly touch her arm and gauge her response. If she moves away from you, she’s not attracted or comfortable.

 When moving to a new area, you reach out to see if she takes your hand. She’s already going with you, which is great, but if she doesn’t take your hand, she’s likely uncomfortable with your touch. Build more attraction.

 You give her a warm embrace, noting carefully how she hugs you back. If she doesn’t hug you back, you need to build more comfort and attraction.

If at any time she seems uncomfortable with one of your advances, that is a clear sign you need to take a step back. Don’t continue to escalate; instead build more attraction and trust, by using routines, active disinterest, and identity storytelling until you get more indicators she is interested. As so often is the case, timing is everything.

Buyer’s Remorse

Have you ever regretted a purchase? Have you had fear or a sense of guilt that you made a poor purchasing decision? If so, then you’ve experienced what’s called buyer’s remorse.

Buyer’s remorse is not specific to purchases; it’s also something that can happen in dating and intimacy. Specifically, if the woman ends up with a feeling of unmet expectations – that she gave part of herself away and did not get what she wanted or very little in return.

This almost always happens when she had or has different expectations than you.

Avoiding Buyer’s Remorse

Make sure both of you are on the same page. Also, read the chapter on Dating with Care and Empathy towards the end of this guide. Understand what it is and how it works, and follow those rules when you’re getting into a relationship or intimate.

Next, if she wants to get intimate with you, make sure to talk with her about future concerns in a caring way:

“Before we go any further, I just wanted to check in with you that tomorrow morning, when we wake up together, we both feel really good with this.”

Or you put her in the driver seat by saying:

“We don’t have to have sex. I’m happy just wanting to wake up next to you tomorrow.”

The key is to be caring, empathetic and patient. Even if she verbally and physically leads you to sleep with you, it’s a good idea to check in with her. The more connected partners are with each other, the more aligned their expectations are, the better the sex will be.

Give more than you take, enrich her life with great experiences, including and specifically during sex. This means spending some time getting to know her body. Use foreplay to build a roadmap of her erogenous zones. Below I’m going to share my “Love Roadmap” that you can use to help you with foreplay, and mutual sexual exploration.

The first thing you should remember about having good sex is that great sexual partners pay attention to each other’s needs and communicate well. Talking during sex? Yes, my friend. And if you do it the right way it will be a big turn on.

Communicate and respond with words and body. For instance, if she suddenly wants to roll you over and kiss you – forget about the roadmap and let her do that. If she wants to go down on you, decide if that’s what you want and go for it or talk with her about what you want. Just pay attention and communicate. That said, here’s something fun to try – enjoy!

The Love Roadmap

 Start by kissing for a while.

 After a comfortable amount of time, take her hand and say, “I want to kiss all the parts of your body that others forget to kiss. If you feel uncomfortable tell me to stop and I will.”

 Kiss the inside of her wrist.

 Pause and look up, reassuring her that you’ll stop if she feels uncomfortable. Check in with “How does this feel?“

 Kiss further down the wrist, and keep kissing until you get to the shoulder.

 When you get to the bra strap (if she’s wearing one) pull the strap down to her shoulder and kiss the place on her body where it was before you pulled it down. The release of tension from the bra, and then the following kisses will feel very good. Note: This technique can also be used for kissing around the panty line. Push the panty down, place a little kiss along the hip, then return the panties to their first position.

 After kissing, put the bra strap back. Continue kissing her with this technique for a while. She might smirk because she is getting more excited and maybe even wants you to take the bra off. But don’t.

At this point you have a few choices:

 From here you place little kisses along her back and continue with the collar bone. You can caress the back of her neck, you can lightly pull her hair, or you can go back to making out. Whatever you do, eventually you want to return to the limbs you haven’t kissed. Note: Don’t touch or reach for her breasts, her butt, or between her legs. The goal is to kiss all the non-sexual places.

 As you explore her limbs, experiment with light kisses, hard kisses, little bites, licks, and words. You’re trying to get a sense of what she likes before you start getting more intimate. Let her show you what she likes and pay attention to what she does.

 So, if you give her a light lick and she moans, that’s great. If you bite a little and she says, “Softer,” then you’ll know to be a little less rough. Note: Playing this game will get more exciting the more you undress each other.

 If at any point, there is any interruption or disturbance (phone rings, running out of time, too public of a place, etc.), either wait it out and get back to arousing her again, bounce to a more quiet and romantic place, or just hang out and appreciate your togetherness. There will be many other exciting moments and places in the future.

 If you’ve played this exploration game right, then you both should be mostly undressed and fairly aroused. She might take over and initiate the next level of intimacy. Make it a game where you both experiment with fingering, oral sex, and more touching and kissing.

 If everything goes right, she and you are both aroused, confident and comfortable, then making love will be a natural smooth transition. Use protection, and have fun – both of you!

Good Luck!