The Power of Active Disinterest

“The trick when you’re flirting is figuring how to keep a balance between being engaging enough to retain a woman’s attention and not seeming overly available. So you tease a person a little. ” – Neil Strauss

Active disinterest is, by far, the most counterintuitive piece of the attraction and seduction puzzle. Let’s take a look and analyze why active disinterest is so important and how they’re used.

Every romantic relationship is a story, and every good story has emotional ups and emotional downs. As I mentioned before, if you went to see a movie and nothing bad ever happened, it would be a pretty boring movie – the same would be true for a movie where nothing good happened. The emotional ride makes the story interesting, memorable and fun.

These emotional ups and downs happen naturally, whether you understand the principles of attraction and seduction or not.

A good female friend of mine was on a date with this guy. The guy was acting smooth – like over the top smooth – and it turned her off because she knew he was trying to be aloof to seduce her. It wasn’t until later in the date, when he accidentally spilled his glass of wine on himself and fumbled as he tried to recover, that she started thinking she was into him. It was the ride of emotional ups and downs that won her over.

As a future master of attraction and seduction, you must learn how these emotional ups and downs work. Active disinterest, otherwise known as banter and flirting, is a technique that is used to create emotional spikes.

Here is an example of active disinterest:

Smile and say teasingly: “If you were just one inch taller, you’d be so my type.”
This spikes an emotion in a playful way: On one hand, you are telling her that she is not your type. So she’ll wonder, “Is he hitting on me or not?”

Another example: After she teases you, or says something self-deprecating, you can say: “Note to self: Don’t date this girl.”

Again, you are actively telling her that you don’t want to date her. By doing so you also admit that it was a possibility until now.

“You are hired!” when she says something you approve of.

“You’re so fired.” when she challenges you.

Your delivery is deadpan with a smirk

Why It Works: Even though she’s not your employee and you’re not her boss, it subtly sets a frame of higher status; you’re the boss and you’re leading the interaction and get to make these decisions. She’ll know that you’re joking around. You’ve just fired her. That’s a playful rejection. She’s going to want to work toward reversing that rejection if she sees value in you.

If she touches you early in the interaction: “Hey now, hands off the merchandise.”

Say it playfully and with a smile.

Why It Works: Because most men are excited to be touched and you’re stopping it, so you’re the exception to the rule. It also works because it flips the script, turning her into the one hitting on you and makes her the one trying to earn your favor.

One more example: When she makes you laugh, you say “Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not easy.” This sentence has not only a strong frame in which she is portrayed as hitting on you, but again telling her that you are not (yet) interested.

Key rules for Active Disinterest, disqualification, and flirting:

1. There’s No One Emotion Involved: Many seduction coaches claim that active disinterest must be playful. I find this to be incredibly limiting. Every emotion and perspective a seducer has should be in his tool belt. Active disinterest could be a bunch of silly remarks or a serious disqualification. What matter is that the technique follows the principle, and it serves to create the intended effect: a temporary barrier that causes an emotional spike. If you insult them the barrier will likely be permanent. If the tease is too light it won’t have any emotional effect. In either case, it was done wrong. Find the middle ground, explore your emotions and experiences until you do.
2. It’s Interactive: It isn’t a monologue, it’s a dialogue. You need to draw her out of her shell and get her involved in the conversation. The more involved she is in the banter, the more she’s going to get emotionally invested in you.
3. She Must Care: If you want your active disinterest to have an emotional effect, then the other person must care about the person showing the active disinterest. For this reason, you should only start your active disinterest once you’re sure the group is comfortable with you in conversation. If they’re not comfortable with you and you show disinterest, they’ll just push you away.
4. It Must Have Context: Active disinterest that comes out of nowhere generally has its opposite effect than the one you want; it shows interest rather than showing disinterest. Practicing active disinterest means paying attention to the conversation that’s at hand and commenting on what’s actually happening.
5. It’s Part of the Plan: We emphasize active disinterest for a reason. It’s necessary. You must manufacture emotional spikes if they don’t come up naturally, which most often they do not. Don’t forget to use it, or skip it because you’re uncomfortable.
6. Eventually Interest Outweighs Disinterest: Once you’ve reached the connect phase, active interest must outweigh the active disinterest. In other words, you don’t have to stop flirting, but at that point, she has to know you’re more interested than not. You have to dissolve those temporary barriers and connect at long last.

These are the principles behind active disinterest, good disqualification, banter, and flirting. For the record: What active disinterest, banter, and flirting is: it’s not an argument nor an insult.

You never win an argument, because even if you win, you lose the future of a possible beautiful relationship. And most of the time arguments end with both people still on the side they started on. The barrier that was there when the argument started remains intact. Insults and making fun of other people immediately destroys trust. For this reason, arguments and insults are the least seductive form of communication. Just avoid it.

IMPORTANT: Timing your active disinterest:

When should you use active disinterest? When the woman is truly comfortable with you in conversation. If she is uncomfortable with you and you try to show disinterest, she’ll become even more uninterested. Conversely, if you build a little bit of social value, and she is invested in the conversation and you show active disinterest, the effect will be significant. It’s also important to note that active disinterest should be contextual. In other words, it should have something to do with what’s actually happening in the interaction. If you tease her, seemingly, out of nowhere, it could come off as awkward or as a demonstration of interest. 

When using active disinterest make sure there’s a context for your comment.

• • You’re so cool. I’m just going to keep saying that until I convince myself it’s true.
  • You’re a dork. We should find you a guy with the same uniqueness.
  • You’re too nice for me. I’m sure there is a ton of guys dying to meet you on Tinder.
  • You’re awesome; you’d be great for my friend.
  • You’re cute. You’d make an adorable friend.
  • I’ll tell you when you’re older.
  • Let’s take this slow… I don’t want to get hurt.
  • Okay, you girls have taken up enough of my time. I have other friends to entertain.
  • I should let you get back to your friends; they’ll think you’re hitting on me.

So here’s the rule: If you’re trying to seduce someone, make sure they’re comfortable with you before attempting to use active disinterest.

Lessons in Action: Active Disinterest

“Oh my god, I love your hair so much, can I please touch it,” she asks. Her hands frantically dance about in the air as she awaits my reply.

Her friend shares a different point of view, “I think it’s ridiculous, you need a haircut.”

“Okay, one quick touch, but I’m headed back to my friends right now,” I tell the girls. “I haven’t seen them in years.”

With my permission, the dancing hands shoot into my hair and with a giant smile on her face she asks, “What’s your name?”

“I’m Jason, you?”

“I’m Lacey.”

“I’m Mary, and I just want you to know, you look silly. I really think we need to shave your head.”

Stern voice. Innocent face. Hypnotic cleavage. The low cut shirt she wore was designed to tempt every male eye that crossed its path. It begged us to notice her, fight past her tests, and discover the truth of her nature. Challenge accepted. 

“Well, this one is trouble. I think I need to stay away from you two.”

“No, no!” Lacey protests, “You should hang out with us.”

“Sorry,” I reply. “I really do need to go rejoin my friends now. I’ll swing by later and say hello to you guys.”

I have a few beers and catch up with some old comedian friends I used to perform with back in the days I worked the NYC stand up circuit. An hour passes and Mary walks by and greets me, “Hi, Jason!”

“Oh, hey Mary, this is my friend Adam. He is a pretty amazing guy. He has to leave in a few minutes because he is meeting Oprah tomorrow morning.” She stares suspiciously so I call her out on it, “Do you think I’m making that up?”

She responds, “Honestly, I really don’t care.”

“Did you come over here and say ‘hi’ just so you could be mean again?”

“No! I was just on my way to the bathroom.”

“Ok, well, good seeing you then,” I gesture for her to continue on her way. I say goodbye to Adam, who really did need to get up early to meet Oprah, and then ask my buddy Ben to wing for me. I bring him over and introduce him to Lacey. When Mary returns, she begins to barrage me with a bunch more meaningless insults. I let a wounded expression cross my face as if she had finally cut me too deep.

“Wait,” she said, looking concerned, “I didn’t really mean that.”

“Stop being cruel to me then. Come here. Give me a hug.”

“I don’t do hugs.”

“Ok, then give me an embrace.”

She extended her arms low, “I’ll do this.”

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. She began patting me on the back – a slow, falsely sympathetic pat.

“Don’t do that,” I instructed.

She stopped, and then whispered to me, as if it was a dangerous secret, “I’ve interlocked my fingers.”

“Much better.”

We sat back down and started talking. She began telling me stories of being in Italy and learning to sing Opera. I started digging into her experiences asking about her favorite roles and characters she has explored.

Lacey spots the two of us getting close and interjects, “Sorry buddy, but you have no shot with her.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You can try all you want, but seriously, you have no shot getting her in bed with you.”

“Are you suggesting I’m trying to have sex with your friend? We were just talking about how she studied Opera in Italy, and I found it really fascinating.”

“Yea, well, obviously she is very beautiful, but you have no shot.”

“Look, I don’t know why you are suddenly accusing me of trying to take her home, but that’s not my intention. Sure, I admit she is a very beautiful woman, but I think it’s important to appreciate someone for more than just their looks alone. But, if you’re letting me know you don’t think I’m handsome enough or charming enough to talk to her, then okay, I guess I could just leave.”

“No, sorry, I was just kidding. I wasn’t saying you aren’t handsome or charming. I was joking. Relax. That was really amazing what you said about valuing women for more than just their looks. It’s just, not many guys are like that. You must not have always been that way; what changed?”

I began talking about my life, the various changes I’d been through, and how I now teach men how to best present themselves to romantically connect with the women they desire. She shared her own romantic ideas about how a woman should be wooed, “All you need to do is tell the girl that you like her. That’s all we really want.”

“I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“No, it’s not. That’s all you need to do.” Mary was scrolling through some texts on her phone, and I tap her on the shoulder. She turns and looks at me. In as a genuine voice, as I could muster, I said, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I really do like you.”

Her eyes light up and she asks, “Can I buy you a beer?”

I set out to make the point that winning over a woman is more than just conveying interest; what I forgot was that conveying interest was the exact right next move to do with Mary. I’d accidentally timed it perfectly. The results were a free Guinness and a once again furious Lacey.

“You’re too smooth! You came over here. You talked to me just long enough to make me comfortable. Then you start hitting on my friend. Oh man, aren’t you clever!”

“Listen, I don’t know why things keep getting weird. Thank you so much for the drink, Mary,” I down a few gulps and continue, “I really think everyone got the wrong idea about me. You’re both really cool, but just to prove that I don’t have any ulterior motives, here’s what I’m going to do: After I finish this beer, I’m going to walk out of here. I’m not going to ask for either of your numbers. Neither of you will ever see or hear from me again. Then you will know I was never up to anything malicious.”

My wing Ben reengages Lacey. He saw things getting crazy and wanted to help calm it down. Mary positioned herself directly in front of me, inches away from my face, “If you just left like that, it would really be a shame.”

I didn’t say a word. I just looked back into her eyes and let the tension build. When she could no longer take it, she lunged in for the kiss and began making out with me.