Serious Answers to Stupid Questions

You gotta start somewhere. At least I read that once. Maybe it was in a fortune cookie. And even though fortune cookies kinda look like butts, I think the advice makes sense.

Except for the part about you having to start. I think that was already forced upon you at birth. But at face value, here I am…so I might as well start.

I am weirded out by life. I’m even weirded out more by people who aren’t weirded out by life.

I just don’t get them. I mean I do but for sure I definitely don’t. I get them in the sense I can vaguely remember being like them but I’m not even sure that is real.

You might want to stop reading right now if you expect this to make sense. In fact, you definitely should stop reading right now and look around at how weird life is.

But fine, if you want to stick around…go ahead… I mean that is life too… weird right?

First order of business… what’s with all these people yelling at us to “seize the day” and “live life to the fullest”? Doesn’t that weird you out? 

Is there a wrong way to live life? Everyone seems to think so and they keep trying to push me to do it their way or I’m doing it wrong or missing out.

What’s their motivation? Are they actually trying to help me (or you) or push others to agree with them so they can justify their own life choices?

Makes ya wonder…well at least it makes me wonder. But wondering is one of my favorite past times…and it should be yours too… just kidding…do whatever the fuck you want. 

Which leads me to the second order of business…. What the fuck do you want to do?

I haven’t come across many other questions in life thus far that hold up no matter what you throw at it.

If you haven’t answered that granddaddy of all questions then it really doesn’t matter what you do. Then again, it probably doesn’t matter anyways. Did I mention how weird life is yet? Ok good.

It’s not like it’s an easy question either. I mean, come on life. What’s with all the options! 

I suppose that’s what makes life “beautiful” but doesn’t it also make it terrifying? What if I make the wrong choice? Is it even possible to make the wrong choice? Wait, who is defining right and wrong? Oh shit…it’s getting weird again isn’t it. I warned you.

Third order of business….boredom. How could you ever be bored in such a marvelous and varied universe? Just kidding again… I get bored all the time. So what. I’m pretty sure this whole life and universe things was just dreamed up to combat boredom in the first place.

Overall, it’s doing a damn good job. Sex, drugs, flowers, stubbing your toe, paying bills, cancer, ninjas… I mean this world has got it all! And for everything we ain’t got, we have movies, books and video games … pretty dope right? Then why do I still get bored?

I am sure all those self help people out there will say it’s all a matter of my perspective or mindset or beliefs or some crap like that. Well no duh! 

But how do I know that it’s just not their way of running away from boredom? And maybe there is more to this boredom thing.

Personally, I think it’s most likely the fear of death…of not existing. 

Everyone scrambling around to find meaning. Religion, politics, PHD’s, goat yoga … go suck the marrow out of life… go ahead. 

Get some head…that’s probably one of the better uses of your time. 

Like I could tell you the best use of your time. But seriously, it’s awesome. According to me.

But what’s with all this fear of death thing? I mean, we could just cover it up and say we are going to be reincarnated or go to heaven or another planet or whatever else non-sense people have come up with. 

That just seems like avoiding the one glaringly obvious fact of life. You are gonna die succka… which shouldn’t be a big deal since you didn’t ask to be alive but hey… if you are like me, you have kinda got attached to this whole living thing.

There is always suicide if you get antsy … let’s not rule that out.

But how hard would suicide be without guns, pills, ropes, high ledges or gasoline?

I guess you could always just stop eating … but are you stronger than hunger? That sounds pretty tough. I mean, if you just try to stop breathing you will pass out and your body will go back to breathing … sneaky bastard!

I’m just saying it takes some strong resolve to actually do it without help. Weird right?

These all might seem like unrelated topics, and who the fuck knows, maybe they are … but they seem like strings all leading to the same place.

Time out… let’s get clear on something… I’m not here to reveal to you some glaring truth that will revolutionize your life and make it happily ever after.

You started reading this and you can stop at any time. 

I mean come on…I am writing this in my underwear at a kitchen table while doing pushups, drinking tequila sunrises, waiting for my girlfriend to wake up and texting my niece… 

Do I seem like someone you should look up to? You’re better than this. Then again, maybe you’re not.

How would you know? What’s your reference point? Other people? Good luck with that.

I say that with complete honesty, good luck with that.

I mean, what are your other options? I guess you could go somewhere quiet and try to listen to your inner voice but how do you know you can even trust that? Did someone tell you that too?

Makes you wonder don’t it? … Or maybe it doesn’t. 

Probably it doesn’t. Nothing against you, it’s just not a thing people seem to want to look too closely at.

Why? Don’t ask me…ask yourself. I don’t fucking know. Only you can know for yourself. And even that might not be true.

Lost yet? Funny…when did you think you weren’t? Maybe you are just realizing where you have always been.

Again, probably not. 

Honestly, what’s the deal with honesty? To start with, there would have to be some sort of truth, to be honest about. 

Have fun trying figure that one out. It’s all a matter of perspective … bla bla bla … unsatisfying right?

I guess even it being unsatisfying is a matter of perspective. And why the hell do I want to be satisfied so bad? 

You see where this keeps going right? Bullshit. A whole heaping pile of bullshit. 

And if you haven’t at least started to smell it in your life than what the heck are you doing here?

Or maybe you do, maybe you have lost your sense of smell and just like the view….seems gross to me but fuck it, it’s your life and your call.

Don’t let silly old me rain on your parade. Also, I’m bored, invite me to your parade. Please and thank you.