Advanced Text Game And Avoiding Flaking

It doesn’t matter if you met her out at a bar or on a dating website or dating apps: Texting is going to happen, and you’ll want to get it right.

Here’s what you need to know:

• Texting is great for logistics, or solving immediate problems.
• Texting does not create true attraction or connection. That happens in person. Which is why most texting is unnecessary flare. In fact, the more texts you send the more likely it is that you’ll cause a problem rather than support your seduction. Recognize that if you follow the steps leading up to a properly seeded date, all you need to do is send where and when you’ll meet, and solve any incidental problems regarding the date, everything else is extra.
• People will go out of their way to be around someone they’re interested in, that means you should be working on you in-person skills, and always practicing seeding dates. If they flake without rescheduling, you need to work on your value building steps.
• Most non-logistical/problem solving texts are for validation on the part of the insecure would-be seducer. Never send a text for the sole purpose of getting a response. Be confident that if you’ve seeded a date that she agreed to, you’re doing just fine. Ask yourself, “what is the purpose of this text in my overall seduction?” if it doesn’t have one, then don’t send it.
• Improve your grammar and spelling, and you’ll have fewer communication problems.

Texting problems

I have talked to literally tens of thousands of men. As such, we hear a number of problems that guys have when it comes to texting. You might not be experiencing all of these, but we’d be amazed if you weren’t dealing with at least some of them.

You Don’t Know when to text

We believe there’s a very simple solution to this: It all comes down to what happens in person because of that where attraction and romantic connection happens. Imagine, your celebrity crush gave you her number and started texting you all the time, or she invited you out on a date but rarely returned your texts. In either case, would you still want to date them? I’m betting it’s very likely you would.

The same thing goes for women; if the guy is interesting enough they’ll go out of their way to hang out with you. Do you think she’d go out of her way to hang out with her celebrity crush? Do you think that if he texted too much, or barely texted at all, that she’d no longer want to hang out with him? I doubt it.

Refine your in-person skills and the texting will become less and less of a problem.

You Don’t Know How to Set Up a Date

The point of texting isn’t more texting – it’s getting her off the phone and into your presence, preferably on a date that she won’t soon forget. Unfortunately, a lot of guys focus too much on their “text game” that they never make the transition from texting to up close and in person.

Remember to keep your eyes on the prize. The prize is not another text from her – it’s a date that’s going to bring the two of you closer than texting ever will. Flirt with her, but avoid chit-chatting and always be thinking about how you’re moving toward the date.

Practice seeding dates, and use texts to move towards those dates. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to hang out with you over the phone.

Your Text Dates Always Flake

Are you the guy who gets dates but is always having them cancel? Even worse, do you have dates who don’t show up? Sure, you get her to agree to a date, but the date itself never seems to materialize. What are you doing wrong?

There are four major possibilities:

1. You’re not building enough value: This means you need to work on building value through identity stories, routines, and active disinterest until you receive a few indicators of romantic interest, before moving on.
2. You’re not showing interest: Remember, you don’t show interest until she’s interested in you. If you’re sure you have an interest, make sure you’re returning the interest, before you set up the date or get the phone number.
3. You made her uncomfortable, and she gave you the number just to get you to go away. You will know this is the case if you’re getting numbers very early in the interaction and they’re always flaking. This means you have to go all the way back to working on starting conversations, that’s where the root of the problem is, they were made to feel uncomfortable from the start.
4. She’s actually busy. People have lives, sometimes they don’t include you. If you’re seeing a pattern, where lots of women are flaking on you then refer to possibilities one and two.

Your Texting Makes Her Uncomfortable

There are the guys who come on too strong. The guys who have women responding at first. But then those responses become “K” and other signs that you’re being awkward, creepy or otherwise making her uncomfortable. That’s a bummer, and it can be hard for men to be honest with themselves that that’s what they’re doing. But you have to level with yourself if you’re going to make any improvement.

What you need to do is start paying more attention to her; paying more attention to what she’s into and what she’s not into. When in doubt, take it down a peg. 

Start by stripping your texts of vulgar language, or anything else that is inappropriate.

What Text Messaging is not…

1. Text messaging is not a way to build attraction. There is no magical text you can send her that will make her fall in love (or lust) with you. Do not sit there for hours, slaving over just the perfect sentence. You are not English metaphysical poet Andrew Marvell penning the classic poem “To His Coy Mistress”. Your text will not live forever in the annals of fine literature. If you catch yourself wondering, “What will make her like me?” then just stop. You’re texting for the wrong reasons.
2. Text messaging is also not for building a connection. Don’t get into sweet chit-chat or just kind of checking in because it reduces her desire to see you in person. “What are you doing?” or “How’s work?” are questions that are like a pressure release valve. She can answer them and you lose the momentum, as opposed to having that pressure build during the day where she’s just dying to tell you in person.
3. Text messaging is not for escalation in a relationship. It is only for maintenance.

What Text Messaging Is…

Text messaging is a way to confirm details of a date that you’ve already seeded when you saw the woman in person. It’s all about logistics. For example, you could text, “We’re going to that permit-only hiking path this weekend. Why don’t you come along?” Or, if you already have set up the date, the text can confirm and remind her.

If you’re texting about a date, make sure it’s something fun, exciting, and different. A text message with an offer to go on a secret underground tour of Hollywood studios is going to elicit a very different response than a text message offering dinner and a movie.

If you mention a date in a text message and the woman responds, “I dunno” or “I’m busy” or “Maybe my friends and I will be out the same evening” then you need to generate more interest.

Be Careful of Text Messaging Limitations

Remember, texting does not have emotional components of eye contact, vocal tonalities, facial expressions, or hand gestures, so it’s harder to seed (or sell) a meet up in text than in person. That’s why you should seed the adventure when you’re in her physical presence and then just use the text to follow up.

Inside jokes and connection enhancer

There is an element to text messaging that sometimes makes it easier to flirt for shy people. So in some ways, you can be more teasing, more joking in a text. 

Personally, I think that this technique should be used after you’ve had a good first date, and that person is excited to see you again.

Text messages are also great ways to follow up on an inside joke that you might have established when you met the woman. Let’s say you both talked about your addiction to chocolate milkshakes. You could text her and say, “Need an intervention for those shakes lately?” Use the inside joke you shared in her presence and you can conjure up those same emotions from a distance with a well-placed text message, then use it as a spring-board into another meet-up.

Emoticons and Acronyms: To Use Them or Not

There are mixed prescriptions for using emoticons in social text messaging. 

Many seducers abhor emoticons, preferring to position themselves as more suave and sophisticated. It’s hard to imagine James Bond sending a smiley face and a LOL to a woman. That said, there are times and places where they come in handy. You have to decide what’s right for that person, in their specific seduction.

Here are some basic guidelines:

1. Use as few acronyms and emoticons as possible.

2. Recognize that your grammar and spelling are more important than the strategic use of emoticons and acronyms.

3. Reread your texts before you send them; you have all the time in the world. Ask yourself: do I really need to use an emoticon? If so, why are you using it and is there a better way to communicate the same thing?

The Texting Gameplan: The Steps

Let’s say you met a woman at a bar on Friday night. You had a good time and ran The Cube cold reading routine on her. And you seeded this great sushi restaurant that only you and your friends know about. Now, it’s a day or two later and you want to follow up. Here’s the plan:

Step 1: Start with a reminder of the good feelings you had together. For example, if you ran The Cube and she enjoyed it, you could text “Hey, how’s your big cube doing…” Use a nickname or some term you might have shared.

Step 2: In the same text, refer to the date that you’ve already seeded. Your text could be:

“Hey, how’s your big cube doing? Here’s the info for the place we’re going to on [day of the date]. [Logistical Info].”

The Texting Gameplan: The Pacing Myth

Many men wonder, “How long should I wait in texting?” That common query applies to phone calls as well.

There are a lot of theories about when and how often to text. For example, texting at her pace or only texting two days after getting her phone number. From personal experience, and through experiments with students all over the world, I’ve found none of this to be true or particularly valuable.

Just keep this in mind: people will go out of their way to hang out with someone they’re interested in. Refine your in-person skills and the texting will become less and less important. It will become a way to communicate exactly when and where you’re going to meet up, rather than the confusing purgatorial space between the meetup and the date, where many guys imagine they are trapped.

Most guys over-text women they’ve just texted as a way to get a momentary feeling of validation. “She’s paying attention to me,” is the thought or feeling that they desire. Before you send a text, take a breath and think about if it really needs to be sent. In my opinion, it most likely doesn’t, unless it’s a logistical text or a problem that needs a response to be resolved.

If you’re doing something long distance, or there’s a very long space of time between the initial meet-up and the date. Under these circumstances, use texts to make plans to talk on the phone or over Skype. This will give you more of an opportunity to connect with that person while you’re separated.

Last thing on pacing, I recognize that some guys really like texting. I’m not exactly sure what the appeal is, but some guys love it. If you’re one of those guys just recognize – it’s not necessary, it’s flare. Make the seduction the kind of seduction that excites you and the person you’re trying to be with. Just be careful not to over-text, be aware that it’s easy to misinterpret texts, and that at the end of the day it’s what you do in person that will have the largest impact.

The Bottom Line on Texting

Sending text messages can be fun and flirty. But don’t put too much into it. There is nothing you’re going to tap out on your iPhone that is going to make her fall in love with you. When you put too much pressure on a text message, that’s when it gets frustrating. Instead, just have fun.

Rules for Texting for Maximum Success

Rule 1: Do Not Text to Avoid a Phone Conversation

Texting isn’t meant to be used as a tool to avoid phone conversations. Speaking to a woman on the phone has more seduction potential than a text message (just like seeing her in person has more seduction potential than a phone call).

If you recently opened, attracted and seeded a date with a woman, your next goal is to meet up with her. The chances of setting this up with her via text message are slimmer than via phone conversation and setting it up over the phone are slimmer than seeding a date when you initially met. Bottom line: Practice seeding!

Rule 2: Bring Value When Texting

Just like you should bring value for your wingman, you should apply the same philosophy to your text message game. Low-value or no-value texts are attempts to leech value from the woman, such as: “What’s up?” or “What are you doing tonight?” or “When can I see you again?” These types of texts will get you nowhere because they make you seem needy, invoke no positive emotion in the woman and display nothing high-value about you.

When I text a woman in the early stages of seduction, it’s either to send logistical information about a date or to solve a problem. For instance, if we had a conversation about a book and at the time I couldn’t remember it, I might send her a text that says, “Hey, that book was called: [book title].”

Rule 3: Never Over-Text

She might be the only thing on your mind at the moment, but you don’t want her to know that yet. If you come off as too needy, you’ll lose her. Text once and only once until you get a reply. After a reply, you can text back. If she doesn’t respond to your text, then wait at least 24 hours before re-texting her.

Allow time in between your replies when in a text conversation. Don’t give her the impression that her text message conversation is the most important thing happening for you. Remember that being non-needy and scarce is attractive.

Bonus Tip: A Quick Route to Familiarity

After getting her number, immediately send a text while you’re still standing right next to her, it creates a humorous moment between the two of you and helps make you more familiar to her:

“You have my number now, but you are only allowed to call me once per day.”

“You have to stop staring at me, it’s making you look desperate.”

If, after texting her, she’ll save your number and your name, take that as a definite indicator of interest. More importantly, when you call her later, your phone number will pop up and be familiar to her. This makes her more likely to answer. That said, you should still be practicing seeding, and working on refining the steps leading up to getting the phone number.