The Three Keys to Build Attraction

I’m going to teach you the three steps to becoming the most attractive and interesting guy in the room. It is vital that you memorize each of them. Download the cheat sheet that I’ll give you at the end of this chapter or write steps down and memorize them.

What is social value and what does building it mean?

Social value is a combination of your looks, your reputation, what you do, and what you say in a given social situation. That means if you’re good-looking, famous, and charming you’ll have a lot of value in a room. Right?

Of course it does! However, just because they’re attractive in one room doesn’t mean they are in the next, because social value is conditional. You don’t get any social value for being good looking if the people you’re interacting with think you’re ugly. You don’t get any value for being famous if the people you’re speaking with don’t know you’re famous. What’s charming to one person might be unattractive to the next.

Your value changes from interaction to interaction, and the value of each of your qualities is based on the people or person you’re talking with. It’s based on their perspective of the identity you’re conveying. Great seducers must learn to see themselves from the eyes of others. This helps them calculate the most efficient and effective way to build value with a person or group.

We’re going to talk about three active ways to build value: Routines, Identity Stories, and Active Disinterest. Later in the guide we’ll discuss two passive ways to build value: looks and reputation.

Looks and reputation are passive, meaning that you don’t have to do anything to get them to work; people either think you’re good looking or not. They either know who you are and what you’ve done or they don’t. For this reason, we’re going to focus on the active aspects, the stuff that takes infield practice to master.

For purposes of practice: always assume that the group or person isn’t attracted to you physically, and doesn’t know anything about you. If in conversation, you find out that the girl you’re interested in is attracted to you or has heard about you in a positive way, it’s a bonus.

How do you build high value in a social setting?

One of the biggest problems I see with most men who study attraction and seduction is this: they try to get what they want before they’ve built enough social value. You must learn to build high social value, and you must learn to build a lot of it!

Social value is like money. If you want the Aston Martin, you’re going to need the $150,000 it costs to purchase it. If you don’t have the money, you’re just window-shopping. Similarly, if you don’t have enough social value, you’re not going to get her number, your dates will flake, and your seduction will fail.

That said, here are the three steps you’ll need to use to actively build social value:

Key #1: Knowledge Based Social Value (Generating Social Value with What You Know)

In movies the “player” is generally portrayed as a guy with a gimmick. He has some trick or game that he uses to charm and seduce the women he meets. While tricks and gimmicks won’t get you love, they will help you add value in a seduction. They’re a piece of the puzzle. If you want to become the most interesting guy in the room, you should memorize a few routines – magic tricks, bar cons, psychology games, or cold reads – to have on hand to liven up the atmosphere. The more entertaining routines you know and can perform, the more interesting and fun you’ll be. The knowledge based games and routines are by no means the only way you build social value, but they can come in handy with the right timing.

Key #2: Wisdom-based Social Value (Generating Social Value with Your Life Story)

This is going to be the cornerstone of your social value building. Wisdom-based value building is all about your perspective of the world. Wait a minute, you might think. My life has not been that exciting. What if I don’t have any stories that can impress a group of people?

Don’t worry; you don’t need to be well traveled, have a crazy adventurous life or a high paying job. Don’t get me wrong – that definitely helps, but it’s not necessary. Generating value with your life story is about sharing your perspective of reality; not bragging. It’s about lessons you’ve learned about life. Start by answering the following questions:

Where have you been?

Example: When I first arrived in Indonesia to study martial arts…

What lessons have you learned about life?

Example: My first job at the animal shelter showed me how important animals can be to a child…

What events have shaped your life?

Example: The moment I first heard a Metallica song I knew I’d have to start playing guitar…

What hobbies do you have?

Example: I grew up watching anime and have always wanted to be able to move like a ninja, so a few months ago I started parkour classes…

What are your preferences?

Example: My favorite food is pasta, because my grandmother made it for us every Sunday…

You’re going to have to take those answers and use them to construct “identity stories”. Identity Storytelling is a technique for learning basic storytelling and discovering how to express who you are. You’ll be taking a look at your preferences and experiences, and learning to talk about them in a seductive way that will make you more attractive to your audience. These stories are efficient ways to communicate who you are (your identity) to other people.

Key #3: Active Disinterest

Have you ever had someone tell you that the best way to pick up a woman is to be an asshole? Or that women like bad boys? Or that good guys finish last? Have you ever thought about why being “bad” might be attractive?

It’s a pretty simple psychological trigger. People – women and men – want what they can’t have. It’s the scarcity and it’s the challenge. It’s the hope that there is more than meets the eye. Seduction isn’t about being a jerk. Jerks are not attractive; their attitudes create permanent emotional barriers.

On the other hand, the nice guy puts up no barriers. There’s no challenge and he comes off as needy, and that’s equally unattractive.

You’re looking for the middle ground. You can’t create a permanent barrier by being mean and offensive, but there has to be some tension to create attraction. This middle ground is found by studying active disinterest.

How does it work? It’s about learning how to create temporary barrier that together you can overcome together.

Everyone wants the things that are just out of reach, and seduction is based on desires that spring from unfulfilled longings, insecurities and dreams. In order for you to want something, something else has to be missing. This is true whether you know about seduction or not. We’re all looking for the missing half of our broken-heart necklace, in one form or another.

 I want the car because it will make me feel powerful.
 I want a boyfriend so I won’t feel alone.
 I want the supermodel so my friends will be jealous.
 I want the job so my parents will be proud of me.

Active disinterest assists in the generation of attraction by making yourself the thing they’re missing – the thing that will give the other person what they need to fulfill their insecurity, longing or dream. This is the most counterintuitive part of social value building, because it means that you’re demonstrating that you are not interested in an effort to pique interest. There are a million ways to show active disinterest, but the overall goal is to create an emotional spike.

Every seduction is a story.

Don’t believe me? Ask any person you know to tell you how they met their husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend and you will inevitably hear a story. That story will have emotional ups and downs in it.

All good stories have emotional spikes.

In almost every romantic comedy: A guy meets a girl, and there’s some reason they can’t be together, and as the movie goes on they learn to dissolve that barrier and find love. If that barrier weren’t there, the story would be boring.

We need emotional ups and downs to help us remember and enjoy a story. A great seducer can make life a really, really great story. Which means when you display active disinterest and add those emotional ups and downs, you make this story fun and exciting for both of you.

Over the next few chapters, I’ll delve deeper into these three steps. You’ll learn routines, a method for building identity stories, and ways to start practicing active disinterest.

Get ready to take some notes, and if you have your computer out that’d be good too.