The Secret of the Opening Line

Over the years, I’ve heard one consistent complaint that students bring  to me: “I don’t have the confidence to approach strangers, let alone beautiful women, because I just don’t know what to say.”

I understand. It was tough for me to learn how to walk up and talk to complete strangers; to make the cold approach. However, it needs to be done, because it’s what will give you a real choice. It’s what will give you the ability to say, “I want to talk to that person,” and then actually do it.

One of my fellow coaches reminisced with me about one of his first cold approaches: “I saw this girl on the subway. She was standing right near me. I looked at her knowing I was going to have to approach her. This is why I was doing it right? To approach the people I want to be able to talk to, I looked at her again ready to make my move, but I couldn’t move. My feet felt like they were cemented into the ground. My heart was beating faster, and I felt like I had tunnel vision. I couldn’t do it.”

Now, after practicing, he’s managed to become the kind of guy that can approach anyone, even high-caliber women, with confidence.

How does he do it?

Well, he uses a conversation starter, commonly referred to as an “opener.”

An opener is a scripted line that helps to start a conversation, and most importantly, makes the person or group comfortable talking with you.

Think about it this way: If you are approached by a complete stranger, what would you be thinking? What does he want from me? Why should I answer? How long do I have to talk to him? These questions, if they go unanswered would make you uncomfortable, and you’d probably not want them around.

So here is the principle: To start a conversation with strangers you must make them comfortable talking with you.

Why?

If anything you say or do feels uncomfortable, they’ll probably run for the hills as fast as possible. This is why guys are rejected so often when they approach, because they make the woman and/or her friends uncomfortable.

Here are five golden rules for starting conversations:

1. Say something that’s interesting.

Whatever comes out of your mouth should arouse curiosity. It doesn’t have to blow their minds, but it does have to get the group talking.

2. Say something that leads to more conversation.

The conversation has to move forward. Generally making a statement doesn’t lead to more conversation, so try using a question. Questions like, “What’s the time?” or “Where’s the bathroom?” generally don’t work because the group simply answers them expecting you to move on. In addition, they’re not interesting.

3. Say something that expresses a little about yourself.

Everything you say and do when you’re with someone reveals something about yourself. Be aware that the way you start a conversation says something about you. By using an opening line you can actually start to control the assumptions people make about you when you approach. Think about what the things you’re asking say about you.

4. Make sure they know that you can’t stay long.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but when you approach, you should always say something to the effect of, “I can’t stay long.” The reason for this is when a stranger approaches a person or group, that person or group has a moment of anxiety that makes them feel uncomfortable. Especially if they think that they are going to be stuck with the new person talking their ear off. To alleviate this anxiety, it’s important to let them know, right away, that you’re leaving soon.
Now, obviously, we approached because we want to continue the conversation. Don’t worry; you don’t actually have to leave. You just have to say that you can’t stay long. If you’re able to make them comfortable they won’t bring up that you said you had to leave. In fact, in all the approaches I’ve ever done, I’ve never had anyone bring it up.

5. Make sure you give them a reason for whatever you’re saying.

You don’t want to appear as though you’re doing market research or some sort of survey, so always give a reason for saying whatever you were going to say. You’ll see examples of these reasons in the openers in this book and on the website.

How to practice starting a conversation

Now that you have the golden rules down it’s time to learn the words, but before I get to the openers let me give you some tips for practicing them:

1. Memorize and rehearse: Make sure you know what you’re saying, if you fumble with the words people will get confused. If they get confused, they may reject you. It’s just that people get uncomfortable when they’re confused, and they reject people they’re uncomfortable with. If you learn the opener, have it down, word for word. If you can’t rehearse at home, do it in the car while you’re driving. You’ll be able to repeat the portion they didn’t hear or were confused about.

2. Go out and practice. These things take time to practice. You’re not going to get these down perfectly in a night, and it’s going to take more than one approach to get them down. That means you need to put the practice time in, don’t email me if it doesn’t work on the first try. That would be like taking one martial arts class, learning one punch, that you practice once, and then blaming the teacher for teaching you something that didn’t work. It’s a skill and it takes practice.

3. Add body language: Here’s a little secret: Point your feet away from the person or group you are beginning a conversation with. When you say, “I can’t stick around long,” It’ll be more effective if your body language is consistent with your words. When people who are really in a hurry or aren’t planning on sticking around, they keep their bodies facing the direction they’re going. Do the same; keep your feet pointed away.

Now, onto two of my favorite openers:

Opener #1: The Cashmere Sweater Opener

“Hey, quick question, I have to take off in a minute, but I wanted to get your advice about something. I’m supposed to help my friend pick out a cashmere sweater for his sister’s birthday. I had him check her size and she wears all smalls and mediums. So, my question is: If someone bought you a gift would you rather it be a little too small or a little too big?”

Opener #2: The Drunk I-Love-You Opener

“Hey, quick question. Maybe you can help with this one: Do drunk “I-love-yous” count? Like if someone’s drunk and they say they love you. Does that count? The reason I’m asking because one of my buddies is going to be here in a few minutes and he asked me something I couldn’t really give him an answer to – It’s kind of a relationship question. This girl, who he’s been into since college, finally opened up to him last night and said she was in love with him. The problem is, she was drunk and she hasn’t mentioned anything since. What should I tell him to do?”

Learning to start conversations with ease takes time, there are a lot more tips and tricks you can employ to make it easier or refine your delivery.

Creating your own opener:

Once you’ve practiced one of the openers, you can start to toy around with the idea of building your own opener. Because your main goal when starting a conversation is to make the person feel conformable talking to you, an opener should contain certain elements to achieve this goal. First and foremost, you have to answer the questions in their mind before they even think them.

A fair warning: I don’t think that new students should be creating their own material. It would be like going into a martial arts class and just deciding to make up your own moves, but I know that many of you are going to try so here are some guidelines:

1. Why is he talking to me? Make sure your opener has a “root.” In other words, you must have a reason that you’re saying whatever you’re saying. It could be that you need help to select a sweater, or to choose a name, a dish in a restaurant. It could be that you are looking for an opinion, an answer or advice and she looks like she can help. Either way, there has to be a reason for the approach.

2. When will he leave? Make sure that your openers have a time constraint. That means letting the person know you can’t stay long. Maybe you have to catch a plane, get back to your friends, go to a meeting, etc. The main point is to let the person know that you are not going to latch onto them for an extended period of time.

3. Make sure the topic is interesting; this can serve as a springboard for discussions and should end with a question that can lead to more conversation.

4. Is he hitting on me? Don’t start with a compliment, make it sexual or convey that you are interested. First of all, you really don’t know her – so how can you already be interested in anything more than her looks? Secondly, indicating your interest early on can make women uncomfortable, and it’s bad seductive timing.

5. If you’re going to create an own opener, practice it regularly. You need to work out the kinks, and you can’t work them all out in your head, they need to be field-tested.